Father G: Ah, you’re almost the last.
Woman: I know.
Father G: Did you wait a long time?
Woman: I did. But it’s okay. It’s worth it. I have a confession, something I felt really bad about. Gee, your hat is great.
Father G: Thank you. It’s real. It’s a Beretta. Like the pistol James Bond used.
Woman: Is it? [laughs] I’m like a social smoker, and I could totally stop if I really put my mind to it but I just don’t. And then my friend basically just was diagnosed with cancer, and so I told myself I was going to stop—and I haven’t.
Father G: How old are you?
Father G: I quit smoking nine years ago. But my mother just died of emphysema. She quit, but she waited too long.
Woman: Oh, my God.
Father G: That made me think, like, why the fuck did I not quit earlier? Actually, you know, I still get a yearn when I go to the beach or whatever. I loved smoking. I actually walked a mile for a Camel once, when my car was in the shop. In the rain. Sometimes I light a girl’s cigarette if it’s windy. I have ashtrays in my house. I don’t make my friends go on the fire escape. But smoking is really bad.
Woman: It is bad.
Father G: We live in such a polluted environment. And cigarettes are filled with crazy additives.
Woman: I know.
Father G: I’ll bet you didn’t know that the “micronite filter” Kent cigarettes advertised had asbestos in it! People eat bad food, and they have no respect for the natural order.
Woman: Well, why do people insist on hurting themselves?
Father G: Instant gratification. People like smoking. It’s a pleasure. I wish I’d been able to quit before I did. But it doesn’t matter. Once you do, then you’ve got your whole life ahead of you. And you’ve got a lot left. So, go for it. If you cheat, start again.
Woman: Ok. Thank you.
Father G: I sound like Smokey the Bear.